Wammy House: Behind the scenes of DeathNote
by I-write-hurt-not-comfort
Summary: Focuses on Matt and Mello's 'friendship in the Wammy House,' strongly focusing on Matt and how Near supposedly helps him when Mello leaves. It also explains how Matt got into smoking. It gets very depressing in later chapters too (TW: self harm, minor drug use, eating disorders, suicide etc) 10 CHAPTERS IN TOTAL
1. Chapter 1

Hey guys! This is my first fanfic, it's sort of complicated, I haven't figured it all out yet but this is chapter 1, I've already pretty much finished chapter 2 so that will be up soon. I don't know if its been done before, but it was fun to write (its proabably terrible). Its sort of about what happened at the Wammy house from episode 3-26 of the anime for Death Note, and I know the facts aren't entirely true. Enjoy and please review :)

Rated: M/MA (for mild drug use and some inappropriate language)

 **Chapter One-**

*Wammys house, Watari is speaking to Mello, Matt and Near*

"As you know, you three are the most talented members of Wammy's house at the moment" said Watari, staring into the blank yet engaged eyes of the 3 teens "therefore one of you will succeed L-"

Cutting off Watari, Matt suddenly yells "what the fuck? You never said I was a successor!"

"L was very impressed by your knowledge on technology and your deductive abilities, you just lack motivation" replied Watari

"Yeh, and I wanted to keep it that way-"

"Shut the fuck up Matt and let Tari finish" shouted Mello, interrupting Matt. Silence consumed the room.

"Thank you. Now, continue as you were going, and please try hard; L shall be choosing soon" Watari said, whilst exiting the room "that will be all"

Near sat with a blank puzzle, clutching his toy and staring at the two boys with no emotion.

"It's been nice to work with you boys, I wish you luck" a quiet and calm voice spoke.

"SHUT UP NEAR AND STOP ACTING ALL INNOCENT!" yelled Mello out of nowhere "if it wasn't for you, this job would be mine, fuck Matt, he's dumb, but you, you just sit there, acting like life is just a game or a puzzle, you're not the only one here who's smart!"

Matt stared in fear at his best friend; this had clearly gotten to him. Near continued to look blankly into Mello's fuming eyes; he could tell what was going on. Without making a sound, Near got up and left.

Shortly after, Mello and Matt quietly paced back to their room, passing Near's room on the way, which seemed quiet as normal. Once they got into the room, Mello collapsed onto his bed, ripping open a bar of chocolate.

"Why are you so bothered by this? Who cares if you loose to Near?" asked Matt whilst firing up his PSP, unaware of the anger building up in the older boy.

"Of course you dont! YOURE SHIT AT EVERYTHING MATT! You've never had to compete for anything, if you can't be arsed, you won't fucking do it!" screamed Mello at his red head, who was supposed to be his friend. Overwhelmed by a sudden outburst of anger, Mello jumped off his bed and grabbed Matt by the hair.

"WHAT THE HELL" he cried in pain, whilst being pinned into the wall by Mello. His head was slammed into the bricks, and he was punched in the face, causing a small trail of red blood to trickle down his chin

"FUCK OFF MATT. THIS IS MY FUCKING DREAM. MY PARENTS WERE KILLED BY THIS. DONT YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND THAT?" shouted Mello, right into Matts face as a tear trailed down his face as he noticed what he was doing to his friend.

Both boys dropped to the floors, covered in blood and tears. Matt fell against the wall, and simply broke down into tears. He was too afraid to say anything.

"Matt- I- I'm- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Why did I do this" whispered Mello, feeling sorry for himself. He crawled over to Matt who was trembling in the corner and hugged him, "I'm sorry"

Matt was still to afraid to say anything. Neither of them could say a word, until Matt finally stopped crying.

"Why do we- um-" he said, nervously.

"What is it?" Mello asked, sympathetically, realised the anxiety in his friend, "it's okay, I promise, just tell me"

"We should go into town or something tomorrow... get your mind off he whole L thing" suggested Matt, still worried about his friends uncertain temper.

Nothing was said for a while after that, and Mello had left for a couple of hours, leaving Matt to recover. He was lying on his bed. What had happened? Why did Mello do this to him? All of a sudden, the door handle began to twist, Matt looked up to see Mello walk in, with a half eaten bar of chocolate and bus tickets

"Town. Tomorrow, you and me" said Mello, chucking the bent ticket at Matt, who picked it up, looking puzzled. Nevertheless, he went along with it.

"It was a good idea, I admit that" said Mello, taking a big bite out of his chocolate bar "you know, take our mind off things"

Matt stared at him for a while, contemplating what he'd just said. He sounded genuine.

"I'm in, let's do it" replied Matt, logging off his PSP and crawling under his covers. Mello switched the light off and stumbled blindly around the room, eventually locating his bed and climbing into it.

It was 10 minutes later at about 11pm when the silence was broken by a quiet voice.

"Mello?" Matt questioned "are you asleep yet?"

"Nah" his friend replied "why you ask?"

"No reason" Matt continued, "what are we planning on doing tomorrow then?"

Mello looked across the pitch black room and tried to find the red head, thinking about how to reply to this question.

"I dunno. You feeling rebellious much?"

Matt's eyes widened as it struck him what Mello meant

"What do you mean?" asked Matt just to be sure. Mello replied with a story.

"When we were little, do you remember L telling us all the things he did as a teenager?" said Mello, turning on a torch a pointed it at Matt

"I sort of remember, his teen days did sound fun" said Matt, squinting his eyes at the flickering light.

"I say we try those" the older boy continued "do you remember the one about him trying cigarettes for the first time?"

Matt almost chocked at this suggestion. What the hell was Mello on to? Was he serious? Matt hesitated before replying, then asked- "you really wonna do that?"

"Every teen does it at some point, let's face it, it's probably awful. But who are we to judge if we've never done it?" he said, "besides, no one will find out"

Matt swallowed nervously, but went along with it anyway.

"Okay. We'll use my fake ID I suppose" Matt suggested.

"Since when did you have a fake ID?!" gasped Mello, switching his torch off and preparing to sleep.

"I gotta buy games that are rated 18 somehow..." Matt whispered back, turning his body around. Soon after, both boys were ready for their exciting day tomorrow


	2. Chapter 2

I'd already pretty much finished this by the time I uploaded chapter 1 as I said. Yehh, I don't really have much inspiration for this fanfic, it sort of came out of nowhere, but im starting chapter 3 now so it should be up soon. This one's really long, sorry! :)

 **Chapter Two-**

The next morning came around quickly, and Matt and Mello were woken up by the natural daylight beaming through their window, which they had forgotten to draw the curtains on the previous night. Despite this, it was 10:22am, and their bus was leaving in half an hour.

"Fuck" said Mello sounding tired "we don't have much time"

Without saying anything, Matt rolled out of bed and pulled his stripy black and red shirt of his head. What would be the point in a shower? They'd have to wash when they returned today in order to cover the evidence of what they'd done.

"Don't forget your ID" moaned Mello, sounding pretty much half asleep "I got everything else"

Mello and Matt had to sprint to the bus stop, but got there in time only to find that the bus was late.

"That was a waste of time then" Matt murmured to himself, only to be heard by Mello

"Yeh, oh well, at least we got a good day ahead of us" Mello replied, smirking as they boarded the bus into town.

The drive was only about an hour, and neither boys said much on the journey. It was about midday when they finally arrived.

"Go to a corner shop" said Matt to Mello, only to be responded to with a confused look, "what? Bigger shops have a hard time believing fake ID, whereas corner shops, they only want to make money."

"I suppose" replied Mello, pointing at a corner shop which was quite far from the public eye, "how about that one?"

"Sure" answered Matt, after all, it didn't really matter where.

Both teens entered the shop, and went straight over to the counter that has what they wanted: cigarettes. They joined a small queue.

"What do I ask for?" whispered Matt, clearly beginning to get nervous over what they were about to do.

"Relax" Mello whispered back "just ask for any random one; they're pretty all much the same anyway"

Matt agreed to this as they got to the front of the queue.

"Can I have those ones please?" Matt asked, pointing at a £10 packet on the top row, they looked about right.

"ID?" asked a very miserable shop keeper. He'd had this a lot, teens coming in the shop with fake ID asking for cigarettes, never to return again. Once Matt had given him the ID, he immediately went along with it. Obviously this was fake, but he wanted no trouble. He tossed a packet of cigarettes at the two boys whilst Matt shoved a £10 note across the counter. Matt slowly picked them up and muttered "thanks" under his breath. They then both left the shop, smiling at each other.

"We can't be seen doing this" said Mello, almost sounding nervous by now, "did you bring a light?"

"Yeh" reassured Matt "let's go to that mini forest by the park, behind that big building, we can't be seen there"

Mello nodded as they both proceeded to the location, it wasn't far.

"Here we are then" said Mello, sitting in the corner against a graffitied wall.

"Who's going first then?" Matt asked, taking out the light, two cigarettes and handing one to Mello, "never mind, I'll go"

Mello was shocked at this level of bravery, but just replied with "okay"

Matt placed the cigarette between his lips and attempted to light it, but failed the first few times. Mello continued to stare, when eventually it lit.

"Breath in" said Mello, taking the light off of Matt.

"I'm trying" replied Matt. After that, Matt inhaled very strongly, bursting into a fit of coughing.

"Ha!" laughed Mello, holding the cigarette between his lips and lighting it up on the first try. He breathed in, and didn't cough like Matt, but he didn't like it.

"Ugh" said Mello, gagging at the the disgusting thing between his fingers "this is awful, why the fuck do people do this?"

"I don't know" replied Matt, finally getting into it "it's kinda relaxing in a way"

"Yeh if it doesn't kill you" said Mello, putting out the almost full cigarette into the concrete, "well I won't be doing that again!"

"Sure enough" Matt responded, taking one more drag of the cigarette before stubbing it out on the ground.

For the rest of the day, the two teens hung out around the park doing practically nothing. Eventually, they had to return to Wammy's house. Both boys entered the house, hoping no one would notice them or the new smell of smoke.

"Today was good, thanks Matt" Mello said quietly "I think I needed that"

"Hey, I'm always here" replied Matt "but speaking of that, I need a shower and some fucking mouthwash"

Both boys grinned as they proceeded to their room, only to freeze at the sight of a small silhouette.

It was Near. Fuck.

"Hello boys" Near said, without any emotion in his quiet and calm voice "what have you been up to today then?"

Matt and Mello froze, would he find out?

"Just, um, hanging in town" answered Mello, as Matt nodded his head in agreement.

"Is that all?" Near asked, sounding suspicious. Both teens knew what he mean, and they could tell that he'd figured it out.

"Yeh, why you ask?" questioned Mello.

"Do you think I'm stupid?" replied Near.

"No. I don't understand... me and Matt were jus-"

"I know that smell. You guys have tried cigarettes for the first time."

"What th-"

"Don't worry, I won't tell Watari, as long as your swear not to do it again" said Near, slowly twirling a piece of hair in his fingers "after all, as much as you guys are competitive and rather quite abusive, I'd hate to see you waste your lives like that"

"We won't" promised Matt on his and Mello's behalf, almost sounding quite apologetic Mello continued-

"We're sorry, it was just that L said-"

"Forget it. It's fine" said Near, interrupting Mello and walking back into his room, looking ashamed at the two other possible successors of L.

Once they got into their room, Mello's temper once again got the better of him, making Matt fear for his wellbeing.

"FUCK" screamed Mello, throwing the almost full pack of cigs at the floor "THAT LITTLE FUCKER? HOW DID HE FIGURE IT OUT?"

"I uh, i don't know" Matt replied very softly, trying to keep his best friend even remotely sane.

"FUCK" Mello repeated as he collapsed onto his bed, lying there feeling like shit, Near knew what they'd done. Matt picked up the cigarettes and put them under his mattress, then sitting on his bed and switching on his PSP.

The room was silent for at least an hour, as Mello lay there thinking and Matt played his games. The door began to slowly creak open as Roger stepped quietly into the room, looking devastated. The two friends both looked up, thinking different things. Mello was convinced that Near has told him, but Matt knew it was something else. Roger had never looked so depressed.

"Please come to my office in 5 minutes" asked Roger, almost choking on his words as a tear broke from his eye "I need to speak with you boys and Near"

Once he'd left, Matt and Mello both stood up, confused. This had to be something else. Could it be?


	3. Chapter 3

_This ones so much longer... okay yeh the chapters in this fanfic are gonna all be really long and uploaded quite regularly since im on a writing spree at the moment. Im almost finished ch 4 and thatll be up tonight (its a bit shorter). This chapter will probably frustrate anyone who's seen the anime episode 27, because I had to rewrite most of the first scene here, but I only did it to fit the story together, and I know its not really what happened, but hey, this is a fanfic, it doesn't have to be real. This chapter was also soooo weird to write. Anyways, enjoy and please review :)_

 **Chapter Three-**

Mello stood nervously right by Roger's desk, Near was on the floor with a blank puzzle and Matt was leaning against the wall, engaged in what Roger had just said.  
"L is dead"

Those words. They echoed around the whole room, making every second feel like an eternity. Mello was first to speak.  
"What?" asked Mello, shocked out of his mind at this, "Are you serious? Was it Kira who killed him?"  
"I don't know" he replied, turning his head to the floor "and I'm afraid we'll probably never know"  
"But-but-" Mello said, trying to get the words out as a tear rolled down his face, "he said he would catch Kira. What happened?"

Silence came once again to room, until Near picked up the puzzle and let it break all over the floor.

"If you can't win the game, if you can't solve the puzzle, then you're just a loser" said Near, making all of the room stare at him in confusion.

"Mello, Matt, can't the two of you work with Near?" asked Roger, "L hadn't chosen his successor yet, and now that he's gone, I'm afraid he won't be able to chose"

"What?!" Mello and Matt shouted at the same time, clearly declining the offer from Roger.

"I'll agree to that" said Near, clearly oblivious to how much Mello and Matt hated that idea.

"Forget it" said Mello "Near should succeed L. Matt clearly doesn't want to, and me and Near are different. He doesn't let his emotions affect him, he just uses his head, like its a game, or a puzzle"  
Near merely nodded his head in acceptance.

"As for me" Mello continued, "I'm gonna stay until the decision has been made, but once that happens, I'm leaving this institution, with Matt"  
Without a say in any of this, Matt follows Mello out of the room and slams the door behind, trying and failing to hide his emotions regarding the death of L.

"Near" Roger said quietly.

"Yes?" Near replied, feeling safe to speak since it was just them left in the room.

"It will most likely be you to succeed L"

"I already figured that out pretty much" replied Near, placing the last piece in his puzzle, "but I hate to see Mello and Matt going through this. Please don't rush into anything"

Roger just stared at Near, astonished at the 13 year old's level of contempt and maturity. Without making a sound, the child got up and left, returning to his room.

As for Mello and Matt, things were not looking good for them.  
"I can't believe it" said Mello, breaking down on his bed, only to be comforted by his best friend Matt sitting next to him as trying his best to help, even though there was nothing that he could do.

"Mello, I don't know what to say" Matt said, getting up and taking a deep breath as he continued "Near is gonna succeed him you know? But that doesn't mean you can't be something. Let's just wait"

He thought he's said something helpful, but obviously not. Mello glared at him, making him subconsciously edge away from his friend.

"Do you really think that makes it okay?" replied Matt, standing up and slamming Matt into the wall, holding his wrists into the bricks, "you know what FUCK YOU. This is BULLSHIT! L is fucking dead, and you think that's okay!?"

"I'm sorry" Matt swallowed.

"Like FUCK you are"

"I didn't- I just wanted to hel-"

"FORGET IT. YOU PIECE OF SHIT. LEAVE NOW! JUST GIVE ME TIME! FUCK OFF MATT!" Mello continued shouting, as he slapped Matt hard round the face as the threw him to the floor. Covered in his own blood, Matt grabbed his jacket and ran off.

What has gotten into him? Why was this all happening now? Yeh, L was dead, but Matt couldn't understand why Mello had gotten so emotional about this shit. He always knew Near was the smartest. And why was Matt getting all his anger?

Matt stepped out onto the porch, and began walking over to the trees behind the playground on site. He couldn't be seen there, as he too needed some alone time; to get away.

"Why me?" whispered Matt as he burst into tears and broke down on the grass, "... I thought I was his friend"  
Matt placed his hands in his pocket, and suddenly felt something hard, like a box. He grabbed it and pulled it out; it was the cigarettes him and Mello bought the other day. Suddenly the thought hit him of what he could do to get away from this emotional shit.

"No" said Matt, talking to himself "that will fix nothing, just cause more problems if Mello finds out"  
Staring at the box, Matt began to slowly cry again, feeling like shit. He thought everything was his fault. Fuck. Why?  
"Smoking kills" Matt read out loud from the packet, "you know what? Fucking good."

Matt took a cigarette out of the pack and put it between his lips. If it would kill him, he thought it would all be better.  
"I'm better of dead" muttered Matt, slowly fishing the lighter out of his pocket and holding it up to his cigarette, lighting it slowly. Matt took a long drag from it, feeling better immediately. He relaxed with every drag; it felt so different to the first time he did it.

After time, Matt finished and put out the cigarette on the damp concrete. In a very remote way, he felt slightly better about everything. As it began to rain, Matt went back inside Wammy's house and got straight in the shower, avoiding eye contact with Mello, who was still lying face down on his bed. Eventually, Matt had eliminated the smell of smoke and finally returned to his and Mello's room.

Nervously, Matt stepped into the room, walked over to his bed.

"Hey Mello?" asked Matt.

"What?"

"You feeling any better?"

"What does it fucking look like Matt?"

"Umm, never mind"

Mello stood up over Matt and gave him a molten lava glare.

"Why did you come back?" said Mello, with immense anger supporting his question, "i thought I told you to FUCK OFF"

Matt cried out in pain and Mello punched him in the nose, causing blood to pour out of his nose as he was kicked to the floor. Mello's anger had possessed him and taken all control of his actions as he continued to abuse his best friend.

"Mello please" Matt pleaded.

"Shut up"

"Mello-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP MATT YOU ARSEHOLE!" shouted Mello, knocking Matt down.

Mello stared at him. He was covered in blood and unconscious. What has he done? What did Matt ever do?


	4. Chapter 4

_Sooo I said this one would be shorter, but it turns out its probably the longest yet. This chapter was kinda horrible to write cause I love Matt, but it had to be written. I know im uploading them all so close together, but im starting some other smaller ones, so it might be a couple of days before you get ch 5, or I go on another writing spree, who know. Please enjoy and review!_

 **Chapter Four-**

Matt woke up lying on the floor covered in blood, and looking up to see Mello fast asleep in bed. He couldn't really remember what happened, but he immediately knew it was Mello who'd done this.

Quietly and without being noticed, Matt stood up and left the room. Once outside, he proceeded to the tree where he'd released all his anger yesterday. Matt sat on the grass and leant against the tree, taking out a cigarette and staring at it for a while.

He wasn't exactly craving it, but after the events of last night, he felt he needed it.

"Why and I doing this to myself" said Matt to himself, placing the cigarette between his lips and wondering whether he should light it. He put his head in his hands and continued talking to himself quietly, "I shouldn't be hurting myself because of Mello"

Minutes past as Matt sat there, lost, and wondering what to do with all of this. He eventually broke out into tears again and lit the cigarette.

"I thought he was my friend" said Matt, breathing out smoke as he took a first drag and wiped the tears away from his eyes. He said nothing as he continued to smoke, and once he was done, he stood up grinding the cigarette under his foot and walking back into the house.

Returning to his room, Matt could tell Mello had calmed down a bit. He looked down at his best friend who was sitting on the floor with a bar of chocolate and playing video games. Trying not to be noticed, Matt walked towards the bathroom, until he was interrupted.

"Hey Matt" Mello said in a very calm voice, but still making Matt nervous.

"Yeh?"

"I need to talk to you"

"Oh, lemme just umm" Matt hesitated, getting slightly less nervous, his friend seemed calmer, "go and, uh, brush my teeth. I just had breakfast"

"Okay" responded Mello, escaping the room quickly as he entered their bathroom. Once he was in there, he locked the door and leant against it. Would Mello be able to guess? No probably not. Matt picked up his toothbrush and tried so hard to get rid of the smell of tobacco.

Once he was done, he edged out of the room and sat on the floor next to Mello.

"What is it?" asked Matt

"Listen, about last night. Matt, I'm so sorry"

Matt remained silent as Mello carried on.

"I don't know what happened, it was just-"

"I get it" interrupted Matt "it was a mistake, a random outburst of anger. You're sorry, and you're never gonna do it again. I've heard it all before, Mello"

Mello's jaw dropped; this wasn't new to either of them.  
"Matt. I-" he said, trying to get the words out, "I- I'm so sorry, I- I don't know what to say"

"Don't say anything" Matt replied, and reassuring their friendship and his forgiveness, Matt leaned in a hugged him, "it's okay Mello, I get it"

The two boys spent pretty much the rest of the day together, not saying very much and just playing video games. The verbal pause was broken by Mello.

"I don't know what to do" he said, stopping the game, "Near's gonna beat me"

"Don't think like that. It'll be okay"

"I doubt it"

"Seriously. I believe it"

"Thanks Matt" Mello said, switching off the game, "but I still don't think you get it"

Matt froze. Was it gonna happen again? He thought about retaliating, but instead decided to stay silent.

"I'm going out for the day" Mello said, standing up "I dunno where I'm going, but I'm getting out of here for a bit. I can't keep hurting you like this Matt"

Matt watched his best friend leave, and lay on his bed.

"It's my fault" he whispered to himself "I'm making Mello depressed, I'm nothing but a a waste of space"

Matt was lying on his bed playing games until about 3pm, and he'd done nothing until then. He was finally stopped after receiving a text on his phone. He picked it up. It was from Mello:

'Hey matty, I'm not coming home today. I found business, it'll help me get my mind off things. Hopefully when I get back tomorrow, I'll feel better about this. I care about you Matt, and I wonna stop making ur life hell'

Matt almost cried reading it. Since when did he care so much?  
"Fuck" Matt said, "I can't deal with this shit"

Not realising that it would be so easily traceable, Matt pulled out one of the last cigs from the packet he and Mello bought a few days ago. Usually he only did it behind the tree when he could get away, but with a building up addiction and the emotional trauma combined, Matt didn't think as he lit the cigarette in his bedroom. He took long drags whilst thinking in between each one.

He finished the cigarette and put it out on his bedside table whilst fishing another one out and lighting it. Matt didn't say anything. He just though. It suddenly struck him that he'd probably be doing this his whole life. Whatever; it helped things. He continued smoking until the second one was finished. He picked up both of them flushed them down the toilet.

"Mello can't know this" Matt muttered, opening the windows and replacing the smoke smell with a whole bottle of air freshener, causing him to cough a little, "he'll get so mad at me if he finds out"

Matt was lying on his bed when a knock on the door echoed on his door. It was about 9pm, who would be knocking on the door at this time? Was it Near?

Nervously edging off his bed, he answered the door, shocked at what happened.

It was Mello.

Without saying a word, the older boy walked in and grabbed his friend, hugging him and not letting go. Matt didn't know what was happening.

After about 5 minutes of this, Mello spoke.

"I'm back" he said, smiling at Matt, and walking to his bed. He got under the covers and continued, "I'm sorry Matt. I truly am. I don't want to keep hurting you like this"

Matt got into his bed and a tear filled his eye and broke onto his cheek, "it's okay Mello."

Mello switched the light off and both boys quickly went to sleep after that.

At about 2 in the morning, Matt was woken up by a terrible shaky feeling. Fuck. He needed a cigarette so badly. Why? All the emotional trauma was over. Disregarding all his thoughts, Matt got out of bed making no sound, grabbing the box and lighter.

Without a sound, Matt sat on the porch outside the door and lit a cigarette, taking a long drag and immediately, the cravings faded. Whilst feeling relaxed with every drag, Matt froze in shock as he heard a soft voice question his name. It was coming from inside.

And it was Near. Fuck.


	5. Chapter 5

_I said I might go on a writing spree, and I did, so here's chapter 5! The ending to this is so sad (sorry to any Matt fans like me) and don't worry, i'll be uploading the 6th chapter later. Also, something went wrong with the editing of the line gaps, so sorry if they all come out strangley... enjoy and plz review :)_

 **Chapter Five-**

"Near!" Matt gasped in shock, throwing the cigarette on the floor and grinding it under his shoes, "why are you here?"

"I heard you leaving your room" Near answered. His voice was soft, and just above a whisper.

"Oh" said Matt. Fuck. He was dead. He stood up from the step where he was sitting and tried to enter Wammy's house, hoping Near didn't know what happened. He was wrong.

"Tell me Matt" Near asked, blocking him from entering the building, "is everything okay?"

Matt didn't know how to reply. Was he supposed to admit it? Trembling with nerves, Matt decided that it was best to just stand there, remain in silence and let Near speak.

"I saw you, Matt" Near continued, facing the floor, "I need to speak with you, but not now; it's too late"

"Oh okay" Matt said, filled with guilt and regret "when do you-"

"I say tomorrow, 7pm after dinner."

"Ok.."

"But in the meantime Matt" Near said, "i don't want you to smoke anymore before now and then. It's important for our... meeting. That will be all Matt, now please, go to sleep."

Matt nodded in an apologetic manner as he walked inside and proceeded to his bedroom. Once he got in there, he climbed into bed, and just tried to forget everything. Dreading tomorrow's confrontation, Matt fell asleep.

When the morning came, Matt woke up to find Mello in the shower. Wondering whether Near had told Mello about the events of last night, Matt swiftly got dressed and went down to breakfast. He didn't see Near once on his way.

Today was a pointless day. Matt and Mello spent their whole day in silence playing video games together. Matt appreciated this, and he thought that it meant Mello was a bit better. Still, he didn't want to risk it, so he let the silence continue.

At around 4 pm, 3 hours before his 'meeting' with Near, Matt was beginning to get some serious cigarette cravings. He didn't want to betray Near's trust, so he just told Mello that he felt ill and had a headache, and that it was probably just a cold.

"Feeling better Matt?" asked Mello in a very sympathetic tone, "I just spoke with Watari, he told me to make sure you rest"

"Yeh, thanks Mello" replied Matt, trying not to seem in too much pain, "i just feel so lifeless. I'm sure it's nothing much"

Mello smiled in return and left the room. Looking at his watch, Matt realised that he only had half an hour left before the confrontation with Near.

"Uhh he's gonna make me quit" Matt moaned to himself, placing his hand on his head where the aching was, "fuck. I'm gonna die"

Strangely enough, that half hour seemed to go suspiciously fast as the anxiety and dread in Matt build up, not to mention he craved a cigarette like hell now. He looked over at his watch: 19:00.

"Hey Mello?" asked Matt

"Yeh?"

"Watari wanted to speak to me now, I just remembered" said Matt, slowly sliding out of bed and lumbering out of the door.

"Okay" responded Mello, not thinking very much of it, "just don't push yourself; you're not up for that"

Matt simply nodded and started walking towards Near's room. What would he do? Would he do anything? About a million questions flew through his mind at the moment when he knocked on Near's door.

"Come in" the younger boys voice called through the door to Matt. Very cautiously, Matt edged into the room and closed the door behind him. He was so nervous now that it couldn't be described.

"Please, have a seat Matt" said Near, pointing at the empty chair opposite to him as he watched the red head proceed to the designated area, "you seem nervous. Why?"

"I um- I don't really know what's gonna happen here" Matt continued, "I've also been kinda ill for a bit, for you know, obvious reasons"

"I see" replied Near, whilst looking for something in his pocket "I think we both know what this is about. But before we begin, I think we both know we can't do this whilst you're half dead from cravings"

Near finally took something out of his pocket and handed it to Matt: it was a cigarette and a lighter.

"What?" asked Matt, trapped in confusion at this offer.

"Take it" Near replied, "we can't do this with you in this state"

"Near, I can't do that to you"

"Trust me, Matt, it's ok" Near said with a reassuring smile.

"Okay, um, thanks" Matt said, whilst carefully placing the cigarette between his lips and lighting it. He breathed in heavily, feeling both better and humiliated, thinking Near would see this as pathetic and weak.

Near stared for a while as Matt continued to smoke, before finally speaking, "seems like you've got quite an addiction there"

Matt nodded in shame, "yeh, probably"

"How did this come about then?" questioned Near.

"Probably when I went out with Mello, and we-"

"Nonsense" Near interrupted, "if that were the case, Mello would be the same, and I think we both know that's not the case. Tell me Matt, when did you go back and do it all again?"

"I uh- I think the day after"

"I'm starting to think that you're not being honest with me Matt. It's okay, you can tell me, I'll keep it a secret. This is all between you and me, and I won't force you into anything."

Matt tried to stop himself from doing so, but he couldn't hold back his emotions for any longer. He slowly started crying, taking a drag from the cigarette and putting his face in his hands.

"Near"

"Yes"

"I did it because um-"

"What?" Near continued to ask calmly, after seeing how upset Matt was.

Near's eyes widened when the truth finally broke out of Matt.

"I- I-" Matt said, trying to get the words out as he took a few more breaths of smoke, relaxing but starting to cry more.

"I- um. I thought I'd be better off dead, Near. I wanted to kill myself"


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six-**

Trying to let it sink in, Near leaned over and placed his land lightly on Matt's shoulder in an attempt to comfort him. Near had never had to deal with anything like this before.

"Matt?" asked Near "is this something to do with Mello?"

"Yeh. Sort of i guess" replied Matt, being signalled to by Near to carry on, "he beat my up about 3 times, I needed a way to deal with it somehow."

"That seems to make sense, and I believe it" Near said, watching Matt wipe some of his tears away and take a drag on the cigarette, "but did you really think that this would be the best option?"

Matt hesitated before responding as he took one more drag before putting it out in the ash tray that Near had given him.

"No, not at first. When I did though, it helped me a lot. I thought about it for a bit but then," Matt paused, "I guess my emotions got the better of me. I wasn't thinking. I used to do it every time things got too intense and it sort of helped, but last night I guess I just did it because-"

"You have an addiction, Matt, and it's not gonna be easy to get out of" Near said. He knew it would probably make it worse, but he offered Matt another cigarette.

"Huh?" questioned Matt, picking it up and wondering why he's been given it.

"As much as I don't want you to," said Near, passing him the lighter, "I need you to be doing it whilst we speak, it'll help you think about why you're doing it. Also, I can tell that your withdrawal symptoms haven't gone yet. This will help, please, Matt"

"Um, okay" Matt hesitated before lighting it and taking his first drag.

"Now Matt," Near continued" I can't stop you from doing this, and I won't force you to quit if you feel like you can't."

"Thanks Near" said Matt, relaxing a bit more as a tear built up in his eye, "it's nice to know someone cares"

"I do" replied Near, slightly smiling as his voice got quieter, "but as I said, I care, and it's not nice seeing one of my best friends throw their life away like this."

Matt tried to hold back his tears as he left the cigarette burning in his mouth. He removed it from between his lips and spoke, "I'm sorry Near. I can't stop though."

"I see" Near said, seeming more serious, "if you're gonna carry on though, I think we're gonna need to put in some boundaries"

"What do you mean?" Matt asked nervously as dread built up within him, making him take a long drag from his cigarette.

"I mean I don't want you smoking cigarettes unless you absolutely need to, you can't do it where you're seen or indoors. Today was a one off since I knew how much you needed it" Near continued to speak as Matt sat opposite him, engaged in what he was saying with the cigarette dangling between his fingers, "this will help you to keep it between us, and it shouldn't make your addiction any worse than it is now"

Matt simply nodded and replied with "okay", blowing smoke out of his nostrils. He was less emotional now, but he still felt bad for having to put his friend through this.

"Also, hand over your cigarettes" Near requested, "all of them, please"

"Why?"

"Because as of now, I'd like to ask that if you need a cigarette that you have to come to me, I'll access whether I think you should have one or not, and i'll make sure no one sees you"

"Sure" agreed Matt, cautiously handing over the box which only had 3 left in it, "but how do I know you won't refuse to give me one, even if I'm dying over cravings"

"You're going to have to trust me on this one" replied Near, taking the cigarettes and locking them in his desk drawer, "like I'm going to have to trust that you don't go behind my back and buy some"

"So who's buying them, for that matter?"

"Leave that to me, Matt, don't worry, I'll always make sure that I have enough, should you come to me"

"But how-"

"Never mind that, let's get to the real issue here; Mello. He'll find out eventually you know, so I think it's probably best that you tell him yourself" Near said, lazily curling a strip of his hair, "after all, Mello will only get more mad if he catches you behind his back"

"I don't want to tell Mello, Near, he'll kill me" Matt said quietly, blowing smoke as he tried to stay calm, "if I have to, can you at least be there?"

"It's probably better if you do it alone" Near suggested as he watched Matt's face drop, "but I suppose if you need me there, I'll be there."

"Thanks Near, for everything. It's getting late now, it's almost 8 and Mello will wonder where I am" Matt said whilst grinding the cigarette into the ashtray, "I should probably be leaving soon"

Near unlocked his drawer and got out another cigarette, "I'm going back on my own words here, but make this the last in a while. I owe it to you, after all, you're being quite open about this, admitting that you need help. Savour this one, Matt, you won't be getting another until at least tomorrow afternoon"

Matt simply took it and placed it between his lips, hesitating for a minute in the silence until he finally decided to light it. Taking a deep drag, Matt brushed his hair back lightly and tried to relax, his head still spinning from all the trauma he'd gone through in the past few days.

Near gently stood up and opened all his windows, turning on the fan as he did so. He looked so calm, and Matt wondered how he did it.

"I won't tell Watari, Matt, as long as you tell Mello soon"

"I will"

Near walked back over to Matt and sat on the chair opposite him, "you can use my shower after that one if you like, it might be better not to tell Matt until the morning."

"Okay" Matt replied, leaning into Near with the cigarette burning in his lips and hugged him.

"Thank you, Near" Matt whispered. Near, holding onto him back, merely smiled in reply, giving a silent message somehow that everything would be OK.

Meanwhile, in his room, Mello was beginning to get worried about Matt; where the hell was he? He'd been gone almost an hour. Reluctantly, Mello left his room and decided to ask Near, after all, he always seemed to know everything.

In Near's room, Matt was sitting on the chair, smoking his cigarette whilst Near was sitting in silence watching him. All of a sudden, the door burst open.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" screamed Mello. Fuck. He saw everything


	7. Chapter 7

_(A/N: I finally got round to writing chapter 7! During this chapter, there is a flashback from Matt's pov, but I think that's obvious when you get there. Also, things do get very... depressing at this point in the story... so pay attention to the trigger warning! This was so sad to write, and the next few chapter will be too :'( but anyway, enjoy and please review!_

 _Disclaimer: I do not own Death note_

 _Trigger warning: Frequent mentions/references to self-harm)_

 **Chapter Seven-**

"Mello!" exclaimed Matt, throwing his cigarette at the ash tray and pulling away from Near, who displayed no emotions, "I can explain!"

"Go on then!" yelled Mello, clearly annoyed at what he'd just seen.

"Well, um" Matt hesitated. How could he explain something as complicated as this, "you see, I, I"

Before Matt got the chance to finally get the words out, Mello stormed over to him and threw him onto the floor and pinning him down by his wrists.

"WHY ARE YOU IN HERE?" Mello was screaming at him now, breathing in the air which stank of smoke, "AND WHY THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN SMOKING?"

"Mello. Please" Matt begged, "calm down"

Mello held him in the same position, until he heard a soft but slightly distressed voice coming from Near.

"Let him go, Mello"

"Why should I?"

"Because I called him in here, he's upset, Mello" Near informed as he watched Mello realise Matt.

"Mello," Near continued, helping Matt stand up, "Matt has been smoking, a lot, and it's because of what you've been doing to him as of late."

Mello jaw dropped as he threw a punch at Near, which was stopped by him being blocked by Near's wrist; _wow, that reaction was quick._

"Mello, I'm sorry" Matt pleaded, placing the goggles over his eyes in an attempt to cover up the shame of all this.

"Matt?" Mello asked, giving off some sort of vague empathy with it, "did you really start smoking because of me?"

Matt was too scared to reply for a second, but eventually he gave a slight nod as a response, filled with guilt, he lowered his head.

"Then why the fuck was Near here, Matt?"

"He was, um, helping me, with it. I was having a really tough time, Mello, I didn't know what to do"

"I see" Mello replied, anger building up within his eyes, "so you don't trust me? Is that it? Do you not fucking trust your best friend Matt?"

Tears filled his eyes as he tried to reply; he couldn't. How was he supposed to? What could he say to make it all better? Before he could open his mouth and try to explain, Mello interrupted him.

"You know what? Fuck it. I'm leaving this institution. Near is obviously gonna succeed L, and my fucking best friend me doesn't trust me! I have no purpose here!"

Mello ran out of the room and slammed the door behind him, ignoring Matt as he pleaded for him to stay.

"Please Mello!" he called after him, tears streaming down his face, "I'm sorry, I-"

"Matt!" Mello turned around and called back to him, eyes swelling as he tried to stop himself from crying, "I have to do this"

Matt stood there; gutted as he watched his best friend storm out of Wammy's house. Without speaking to Near, he raced back to his room and went into the bathroom. Collapsing on his floor, something about the cold, hard times made him think back to when he was younger.

 _"Mail! What are you doing in there?" His mother screamed, pounding at the bathroom door in anger, "I'm coming in if you don't fucking come out now you little shit!"_

 _He froze, stuck to the freezing tiles. A metal razor was tight in his hand as blood tricked onto the floor from his wrists. He was such a fuck up, cutting himself as a stupid release of pain._

 _"I'm coming in now!" she yelled, bursting through the door to see her child curdled up next to the bath tub, wrists painted with blood, "Mail! You idiot! Go to your room, now, and don't you dare do that again." She smacked him, and threw him at the door._

Matt sat curled up against the bathtub, his mind flooded with these awful memories from his childhood. But that was six years ago? He's 14 now, why it is coming back to him after all this time. _Unless..._

Near sat crouched on his desk chair in his room. Where has Mello gone? What was he going to do? Why? But mostly importantly, how was Matt dealing with this? He was surprised to see that Matt handing come to him for a cigarette ever since Mello left a couple of hours ago. It was a good thing, as it meant that his addiction wasn't controlling him in this time of trauma. However, could it mean he was dealing with it in another way? Near pondered on whether checking on Matt was a good idea, but he finally decided against it.

"He's better off on own at the current moment." Near said to himself whilst picking up his toy robot.

Matt tilted his head back again the bath tub whilst playing with a razor. It was the one that he'd used 6 years ago. He took it to Wammy's, but immediately put it away once he met Mello, and he hadn't got it out ever since then. He continued staring at it, wondering if it would make things better; easier to cope with. _No, no, it was a stupid idea. Where would it get him?_ After a while of twirling it around in his hands, Matt tossed the razor across the floor and walked out. Fuck, where the hell was Mello.

A few days past since Mello had left Wammy's. He obviously wasn't coming back. Matt woke up with a headache and a shaky feeling. He tried to think back to the last time he had a smoke. He finally remember having one around 7 pm yesterday, and he wondered whether Near would give him one. Every time he'd gone to speak to Near, it was about smoking and that only, the topic of Mello never came once. Often Near refused to give him a cigarette, but Matt was fairly certain that he would this time, 13 hours since the last.

Matt approached Near's room, and without knocking, walking in, his hand on his forehead and trying not to faint.

"Matt?" Near asked, slightly concerned, "are you okay? I haven't seen you like this in a while?"

"Yeh, sort of i guess, I really need a cig though"

"I see" replied Near, clearly seeing how bad Matt's condition was, he reached for the drawer and handed him a cigarette, "I presume you have a lighter then?"

Matt nodded and walked out of the building. As he reached his tree, he sat down behind it and lit the cigarette, taking a long drag and feeling a little bit more relaxed.

But that wasn't all he needed. Things were getting harder for him. With the cigarette burning in between his lips, Matt rolled up his sleeve and looked down at his wrist, revealing all his fresh cuts which he'd inflicted quite frequently ever since his best friend left.

"What am I doing to myself?" He said to himself, "I'm slowly killing myself."


	8. Chapter 8

_(A/N: I wrote chapter 8 last night and im finally uploading it! This chapter is probably the shortest. Things do get very dark in this and the next chapter, so please pay attention to any trigger warnings. This one's kinda crap, but its more of a fill-in chapter. Just so you know, (at the moment xD) there are planned to be 13 chapters, so get ready! Enjoy and review 3_

 _Disclaimer: I don't not own deathnote :'(_

 _Trigger warnings: strong mentions/ descriptions of self-harm and bulimia)_ ** _  
_** **Chapter Eight-**  
 _"Mail! Mail!" His mother screamed, slapping him round the face and pulling him out of bed, "you stupid fat ass, you're going to be late again! You're a fucking waste of space"_

 _"I'm sorry mommy, I-"_

 _"Shut up Mail, and get your clothes on, you fat piece of shit!"_

 _Once she'd left, a 9 year old Mail threw his clothes on and stumbled into his bathroom. Blankly staring into the mirror, he hated everything he saw. He prodded at his fat stomach whilst leaning down to the toilet and sticking his fingers down his throat, bringing up everything from the last 24 hours._

Matt woke up with a jolt; he'd had another bad memory flood back into his mind. Why did they all come back after Mello left? Mello left a week ago, and things hadn't been going too well as of late.

Firstly, Matt had replaced his habit of smoking with cutting. Of course, he still smoked and spoke to Near about that, but he was cutting himself on a regular basis; to stop him from feeling the emotional pain caused by his friend leaving. He didn't _want_ to feel anymore.

Matt stumbled out of bed, walking towards his bathroom.

"You are a fucking waste of space" he said to his reflection. He hadn't done it since he was 10 and bought to Wammy's house, but it sure worked.

Slowly, Matt descended to the bathroom floor and crawled over to the toilet. He then hesitated before sticking his fingers down his throat and bringing up everything. His throat burned, but he eventually got used to this old feeling. Once he was done, he cleaned up his face and left.

Why was he destroying himself over this? Mello had only been gone a week, and he was already struggling with the issues he faced when he was 8, before being taken to Wammy's.

Near was worried; he was leaving his room every night at 1:00am exactly and going to the downstairs bathroom for approximately half an hour. What was he doing for that long at that time? Near had to find out; _he had to help his friend_.

A week passed since Near had noticed the trend in Matt's bathroom trips; they were very consistent. Almost strangely consistent. What was he doing? Once Near was certain of how to find out, he put his plan into action.

It was Friday night, and Mello had been gone for exactly 2 weeks now, so Near was sure that he'd do it again tonight. He had his speculations, some of which he didn't like, but he didn't want to accuse him of anything until he was 100% sure.

It was 1:00am when Near sat up and tiptoed over to his door. Carefully, he pushed his ear up to the gap between the door and the frame whilst trying his hardest to hear. His predictions proved to be right. He heard Matt walking across the hall; he was holding some small things in his hand which Near couldn't quite work out.

Matt reached the downstairs bathroom. He had a strange feeling about this time, and it was very different to the last few times he'd done it in the previous week. Was he being watched? _No. Of course not_. He looked past his shoulder for a second, reassuring himself that no one had followed him in. Shaking, Matt went into a stall and nervously twisted the lock; _it was time to begin_.

He lowered himself to the floor as the cold from the tiles shot up his feet and into his blood, freezing him. He leant against the door and pulled out the razor. Without thinking about what he was doing for a second, Matt quickly slashed the piece of metal down his wrist at least 8 times as he lowered his head and watched the blood trickle into the tiles, turning them from white to red instantly.

Meanwhile, Near was standing outside of his stall, leaving about metre gap between the door and himself. All he could hear was Matt wincing in pain, as well as being fairly certain that he could hear crying too. All of a sudden, a small stream of blood trailed outside of the stall and onto the exposed bathroom floor. Near's jaw dropped as he realised what Matt did during these nightly excursions. He heard a voice coming from the toilet stall whilst also noticing that Matt was kneeling in front of the toilet. _Was he?..._

"I don't have to do this to myself" Matt whispered to himself. Oblivious to the fact that Near was hearing every word of it, he continued, "no, I do, Mello left me and it's my fault. Stupid fat ass fucking smoking fuck up"

Matt hesitated for a second before he shoved his fingers down his throat. The tears burned in his eyes as they threatened to leak out onto his face. Why wasn't he throwing up yet?

Oh fuck; it was the chocolate that he ate to remind himself of Mello. The stuff was almost impossible to bring back up. He began to cry as he realised that it would be really hard to do this tonight.

Despite this, he was motivated by a sick hatred of himself. He screwed his eyes shut before sticking his toothbrush down his throat. Eventually, he got what he wanted and began vomiting. It was more painful than usual.

Outside, Near could hear his friend violently throwing up in the stall. Knowing that Matt couldn't stop him, he burst into the stall to see the older boy jump. Still, Matt couldn't stop being sick as Near approached him and held back his red hair. Once he stopped, he rested his head on the toilet seat, whilst feeling his throat burning. He had never been so embarrassed.

No one said a thing as Near helped Matt to stand up. With the help of Near, Matt stumbled over to the taps and turned the faucet. Carefully, Matt splashed the cold water over his face and neck. Being found like this was a new low; he wasn't a kid anymore.

"Matt" Near asked, hearing his concern echo around the bathroom, "you're a self harmer?"

"Yep" Matt said quietly as he nodded in shame.

"And a bulimic?"

Matt couldn't get the words out, afraid he might vomit again out of sheer anxiety. He just let Near continue.

"It's okay Matt, I understand. I've been there before myself"

Suddenly, Matt's eyes grew as he looked over at Near. Was he serious?


	9. Chapter 9

_(A/N: I finalllyyy got round to writing chapter 9! I have been writing pretty much one sentence every day until today when I realised I have to finish it. Btw, I changed my plans again and ch 10 will be the last chapter, and hopefully happier than this one.. yeh this one gets VERY dark and depressing so pleaseee pay attention to the trigger warnings._

 _Disclaimer: I do not own death note_

 _Trigger warnings: strong descriptions of self harm, suicide, depression)_

 **Chapter Ten-**

Matt was speechless. How was he supposed to reply to something like that? He thought about Near saying it just for comfort, but then quickly realised that you couldn't say something like that as a lie. He let the silence continue and Near placed a wet flannel over Matt's face and slowly assisted him as they left the bathroom. Near opened the bedroom door and lay Matt on the bed.

"Near, I-"

"Shh" Near said, placing his finger lightly onto Matt's lips, "don't say anything. We'll talk in the morning, just please, sleep Matt, here."

Matt nodded lightly and lay his head down. His arms were still in pain and he flinched as Near wrapped his cuts up in bandages. He lay down his head on to the pillow and watched Near crawl into a sleeping bag on the floor.

Near wondered why Mello leaving was having such a big toll on Matt. _Obviously, Matt was going to be upset about his best friend leaving, but why was he struggling with self harm and bulimia now he was gone? It didn't make any sense._

The morning shortly came around, and Near was in his shower when Matt woke up. _What happened last night?_ His head was swarming with thoughts as he sat up in the bed. He was shaking, and wondered whether it was a mix of nerves or cigarette cravings. Standing up, Matt edged over to the door, attempting to leave so that he could break down in his room. The emotions were building up; he couldn't break down in front of Near again.

"Matt" Near said, walking out of the bathroom and preventing him from leaving, "I think we should talk."

"I don't want to"

"Matt. We have to talk this through"

He couldn't hold it back any longer. Slowly, Matt's tears spelled onto his face as he walked back over to Near and sat on his chair. It was a vicious cycle.

"Matt. You're getting worse, and I'm afraid you need professional help"

"I do not!" defended Matt, pulling away from his chair and getting up, "now give me a fucking smoke and leave me alone!"

Near didn't react. He just blankly stared at Matt, and realised that he had to stand up and sort him out. It didn't matter if it wasn't his business, he hated seeing his friend like this. He calmly replied to Matt's threat, "No"

"What?"

"Matt. I need to speak to you about this" Near paused, "about what I said last night.

Matt tried to remember, but he couldn't. A lot happened last night, and he wasn't going to try and remember every tiny detail of it all. But suddenly, Near's soft voice began to ring in his ears.

 _"It's okay Matt, I understand. I've been there before myself"_

Just before Near got up and left, the older boy turned around and stopped him, "Wait Near."

"Do you remember?"

"Yeh, I remember. Were you..." he hesitated, "... were you serious?"

Near swallowed deeply before leading Matt over to his bed. He spoke so calmly, yet he was so scared.

"Yes Matt, I meant it."

Matt couldn't reply; he was speechless. Before he could form a reply in his mind, Near, without hesitation, pulled up his crystal white shirt, and turned his head away from his arms in sheer embarrassment.

"Near, I- I-" Matt couldn't speak "I had no idea"

All over Near's arms were scars. With closer observation, Matt concluded that they were actually quite old.

"2 years ago, Matt, I stopped, and I've been clean ever since."

"Why, why did you do it"

"I felt empty. It was the only way to feel anything. Pain was better than nothing, I guess. I stopped when I was 11, realising it wouldn't get me anywhere"

The red head sat staring, as his face dropped. _This isn't getting me anywhere either, is it? Near cares, at least I've got him_. Before Matt could once again continue, Near leaned into him and hugged him, trying to ease the pain. For a second, Matt realised that everything would be okay. Without asking for the cigarette he'd once demanded, he shuffled back to his room and collapsed onto his bed. Looking up at the ceiling, Matt couldn't help himself but think about the first time him and Mello had truly bonded.

 _An 8 year old Matt sat lying, sprawled out across the bathroom floor with a razor in his hand, crimson blood streams crawling across the porcelain white tiles. He'd only been at Wammy's for 3 weeks, and nothing seemed better. He was forced to share a room with a blonde boy, who went by the name of Mello. He was one year older and seemed to be a bit pissed off that he had to share a room with someone else._

 _Matt's daydreaming was interrupted by an aggressive pounding on the bathroom door._

 _"Matt! I know you're in there, get out here now, you've already been half an hour!"_

 _Shit, it was Mello. Before he could clean up the blood and roll his sleeve down, the door burst open. Mello didn't say anything at first, he just stared._

 _"Matt!" Mello's voice came out as a harsh, but slightly concerned whisper, "why did you do that!"_

 _Matt tried to hold back his emotions as he blurted out his reply "because I don't want to feel anymore!"_

 _Too late. Matt bursted into tears, certain that Mello wouldn't care._

 _He was wrong._

 _Whilst covering his eyes with his hands as the tears fell, Matt felt a pair of arms being wrapped around him. He looked up, eyes blurry, and saw his blonde friend._

 _"It's okay Matt, I'm here for you"..._

Those words, the memories, they echoed throughout Matt's head. He suddenly realised why he was facing these problems now. It was becomes Mello had saved him before. But who could save him now? It all seemed too late, and Mello wasn't there, like he said he was. _Mello, where are you? I need you_.

Meanwhile, Near sat on his bed, staring the phone number scribbled in this book. It only had 3 numbers, his personal, Watari... and Mello. Near realised that Matt needed him, but more importantly, he _needed_ Mello.

Time past, where Near stared at his phone, Mello's number dialled. _Would Matt be mad if he told Mello? Would Mello even pick up? Probably not._ After a few more minutes of pondering around the millions of unanswered questions in his head, Near gave up. He would have to stay with it, and help Matt while he could.

 _Cigarettes._

 _Blood._

 _Depression._

 _Help._

 _Hope._

 _Dread._

 _Fear._

 _Lighters._

 _Fire._

 _Smoke._

 _Suicide..._

A year past. Near had merely spoken to Matt after the revelations a year ago. The time crawled so quickly; it felt very strange. Matt had let himself go. Whilst he kept up with school work, pretending to be okay, and smoked in his room so Near would think he'd quit, he was broken.

It should all end, what good was he anyway? Number 2 to succeed L, great, against Near.

The last year was mental drainage on the already vulnerable 16 year old. That week, Matt had put down his razor for the 4th time that week, and it was only Tuesday. Without thinking, Matt took one last slash.

Too deep.

Too much.

His vision went blurry. _Was this it?_

Near woke up. Something was wrong. He didn't know what it was, but it- Matt. A sudden instinct told him that Matt was in trouble. He leapt out of bed and dashed down the corridor to his room. This anxiety built up as he smelt a hint of... _blood?_

He swung the door open to find that Matt wasn't in there. _Check the bathroom._ Near started to shake as the sense of blood and dread built up. He opened the door and gasped.

Matt was laying across the floor, a pool of blood surrounding his right wrist. He was still breathing. Near savoured the sounds of the faint and shallow breaths as he grabbed his phone. He was about to dial 911, but then... _Mello. Call Mello_.

Near quickly dialled Mello's number. _Pick up, pick up, please Mello, pick u_ -

 _"Hello? Who is this?"_ Mello's voice answered as Near's face lit up. There was hope.

"Mello, this is Near"

 _"Near?!"_ Mello yelled down the phone.

"Mello, we don't have much time" Near replied, sounding so desperate and panicked.

 _"What is it?"_

"It's Matt, he's in trouble, please Mello, help him. Get here! As soon as possible!" Near was almost crying when he heard a faint reply of _"I'm coming"_ from Mello as the phone was hung up.

"It's okay Matt," Near whispered, "Mello's coming, he'll save you."


	10. Chapter 10

_(A/N: Okay so ive finally done the last chapter! Its a bit happier, even though I almost cried writing it! I don't belive I will be continuing this fanfic, and I didn't leave you on a cliffhanger. Also, please read the AN at the end, they're important. Thank you so much to the 2 reviewers, they helped me keep going and finally finish this! Please rate and review, and check out some of my other fanfics too if you get the time!_

 _Discalimer: I do not own death note :'(_

 _Trigger warnings: implied suicide and self harm)_

 **Chapter Ten**

Near panicked as he realised that Mello could take ages to get there. He could be in another country, for all he knew. He knew that Matt would be annoyed if the police got involved; he'd be sent to therapy. Even Near couldn't get the truth. Even _Mello_ couldn't get the truth. A stranger would get _nothing_. The police, emergency services etc, they had to stay away. Quickly Near grabbed some gauze and stopped the flow of blood. He checked the red heads pulse. It was faint, but still there.

Near couldn't bear to leave him like this, despite it being 4 in the morning. The two had been in there for over 3 hours now, Near staring into Matt's eyes hoping for some sort of life. Matt was still breathing though, and that was slightly reassuring. But Mello had to get there; fast. Another hour past and the sun was beginning to rise. Near was starting to get worried, as he knew that everyone else would be up in about an hour, and he wanted no one to see this. Just before he was about to give up hope, he felt a harsh knock on the door and his head jerked up.

"Near? Matt? You in there?!"

Mello. It was _Mello_.

Without replying, Near jumped up to the door and opened it.

Mello stood there, a black vest with a his rosary hanging between the gap over his chest. Mello never took off that rosary, and he had worn it ever since Near could remember. He had tight leather pants and red boots. _Wow, a year away has really changed this guy_.

"Matt!" Mello gasped and jumped over to his best friend, refusing to acknowledge Near's existence, "It's okay, I'm here now."

Despite the fact that Mello hated Near and had always gone against him, he was grateful for saving his best friend for him. But that was to be talked about later; first he had to save Matt.

"Matt! Matt please! Wake up, don't die on me like this!" Mello pleaded, hanging onto Matt's shirt, his eyes stung as the tears built up, which he could no longer withhold. Previously, Mello had always told himself that he would _never_ get emotional in front of his friends. But that didn't matter; he broke down, clinging onto his friend and not letting go, "Matt, please" He lowered his voice and buried his face into Matt's shirt, "This is all my fault."

Near just watched, and he was silently begging for Matt to wake up.

Mello continued crying and pleading for Matt's life for another five minutes before suddenly, Matt's eyes fluttered open for a split second, and he faintly let out a _"ngh"_ sort of sound.

"MATT!" Mello jumped up and began stroking his hair back as he got closer, "It's me, Mello! I'm here now."

"M-Mells?" Matt's voice was so strained, and he tried to get his words out. His entire body had gone completely numb, and his vision was blurry as he finally managed to open his eyes. He saw Mello, and he smiled faintly.

"Matt. You're going to be okay, I promise. I'm here" Mello looked up at Near and signalled for him to help carry Matt into the bedroom and onto his bed. Once they laid him on the bed, they cleaned up all of his others wounds and cuts, giving faint glances at each other every now and again. They decided that Matt would be okay, so they poured some water down his throat and watched him swallow.

"Matt, me and Near are going to Near's room to talk. We'll be just across the hall. I'll be back soon." Mello tried to reassure Matt; he didn't want to leave him again. "You'll be okay, trust me, just get some rest"

Matt smiled again and nodded before turning over and falling asleep. He was slightly conscious, and could apprehend what was happening just about, but not enough to think in detail about it. Near and Mello watched for about a minute and then left to Near's room.

"So Mello," Near asked, trying not to aggravate the blonde, especially since he was emotionally vulnerable right now, "Where have you been over the past year?"

"Spain" Mello replied simply.

"I see" Near responded, "doing what exactly?"

"Uh, honestly? Working under the mafia" Near's eyes widened as Mello glared at the albino for a bit and then continued, "The base is actually in the USA. Obviously, I'm not going to tell you what I was doing in Spain, but it is a lucky coincidence, since if I were in America, it would've taken me ages to get here, and…"

His voice trailed off, then Near picked up the conversation again.

"How did you get here so quickly"

"Well, I knew it had to be important, after all," he paused, "you wouldn't have called me otherwise, you know what I can do…"

Near smirked, even though he was still quite intimidated by Mello.

"I looked up flight times to here, and there was one leaving in about 30 minutes, so I got a ticket, don't ask how, and I drove to the airport on my motorcycle and jumped on the plane. It was all sort of lucky, I guess."

"I see." Mello glared at the sheep, and realised he needed to turn the conversation to the reason he was there in the first place: _Matt_.

"So how has Matt been?"

"Well," Near hesitated as he gathered his thoughts, "A couple of weeks after you left, I caught him in the bathrooms at midnight. I thought he had a problem, but I never realised it would be as bad as it was…"

"What was it?"

"I found him cutting himself, then making himself sick. After that I spoke to him. He told me he'd never do it again, and how it was coming back from his childhood because…" his voice trailed off slightly, "You left."

Mello froze, this was his fault? _Of course it was_ ; he neglected his friend. He finally decided to speak.

"Does he um, does he still smoke?"

"I don't see him leave the house to anymore," Near paused for a bit, "But I don't think he ever stopped, in fact I think he does it ever more now. I found his cigarettes lying around a few times, even though I think he actually did _try_ to stop at some point."

Mello nodded and the two remained in silence for a moment. Mello knew that the only way to solve this would be to take Matt with him, and they would be _together_. _That's what they both needed, after all._

The two teens walked in to Matt's room, only to see him sitting crossed legged on his bed, facing the window and smoking a cigarette. He froze as he heard them approach him.

"Mello!" Matt bolted off the bed and went to put his cigarette out in the ash tray, when Mello grabbed his wrist.

"Carry on." He said calmly.

Matt swallowed deely, then sat onto his bed on resumed, taking a long drag and letting the smoke flow out of his mouth, "I can explain"

"You don't need to, Matt, I get it"

Before Matt could try and find an excuse to make the current situation slightly more bearable, he felt a pair of arms around his neck. Was Mello _hugging_ him? _No, that wasn't right_ , Mello _never_ hugged him. He never hugged _anyone_. Except those times that he was especially brutal to Matt. Guilt consumed the blonde as he held on tighter, and a single tear rolled down his face.

"It's gonna be okay Matt, I promise." Mello whispered, "Let's go home."

 _(A/N: okay, firstly, review if you spot the Tokyo Ghoul reference (also, I do not own Tokyo ghoul!)_

 _I know I said this was the end, but I can continue if people really want mw to, so, im going to say that if I get more than 10 reviews, i'll add another few chapters. This is not a bribe to get reviews, I just want to know if you guys really want more of this... thank you so much to all the readers! Please R &R!)_


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